Red Oak Way

my mind is suddenly running around and around in circles thinking oh god i need to talk to him i need him. i feel so gross! i feel anxiety like no other. heart is pounding for no reason. i need to my my filthy hands on drugs! what drugs? yes! any kind of drugs. i want to feel the ease of oxycontin easing down my body. how do i find drugs so alluring? why. i must find a concert right now! so i can feel the energy of the band playing and the people dancing. i want to hear the music so loud in my ears i cannot think or feel. i want to stand there and just look at the band. the bassist has a pretty smile. the things i want from him. his face, his jaw structure is stunning. god, if i could somehow go to his place and fuck him. but he probably wouldn't be interested. for iam not attractive. he'll pass me by after the show. as, he walks by i don't dare to look. i just ignore my thoughts and shut them off. then i step out of the venue and fastly get into my car... i put on a cd. first song plays so loud. iam singing along. feeling ecstasy. wow whoa why does this feeling always happen after a concert. this feeling, i always want this feeling. the drive home is nothing but very loud music and stopping at stoplights.

i feel as if i need to slice into my skin and run the red flowy blood slowly dripping down my leg. i jolt my leg and shake it. so drip of blood will run down faster and faster and faster. my mind thinks another thought; you are so gross with your tremendous vast fucking thighs. the fat is just jigging there! its part of you! get it off off me! i need you dearly. you have no idea i have to tell you something. something i hope you can forgive me. oh please i hope you don't turn away from and leave me. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, oh i want to be there for you! with your deadly depressing thoughts. i want to hold you in my arms and hold you and you-- you can weap in my arms. well, thats how i imagine it. i want to laugh with you. i want to cry with you. we can both throw up our nasty tofu dinner if we ever get sick. iam here, iam here i'm always here.

Sleeping pills won't fool the world that you've never needed anyone. It's plain to see that all your seams are coming undone
Don't you know that life is all about having fun

your just as lonely as this room.



the past 2 weeks i've been really lingering in the past. just my past year. thinking about my ex-friends, my school that i miss, the people, haha and yes, even the guys. so, this is causing me a great deal of pain and hurt. i feel worthless and alone. i can't stop thinking of the past. i don't even want to visit my ex-friends because i'm huge. should i write my heart out??? no, its too much. today, i've realized that i may have OCD... haha another mental disorder to add to my list.

The rain keeps falling just the same

You worry when the one you need
has found somebody new
But the world keeps going round
The world keeps going round
You just can't stop it